fic: that's just who i am this week
Jan. 3rd, 2015 05:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
clockwork_hart1fic: that's just who i am this week
summary: dawn summmers, a life backwards
No, I’m not ok. But I haven’t been ok
since I was 11, maybe 12. I am still here though.
I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that
will have to be enough for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tenshinrtaiga at this ficathon (go go go!)
21.
She tugs on the jean shorts where the pockets are all ripped out and the grey hoodie she stole from FreddieEddieWhatshisname and hangs all her fucks out to dry.
There's an illegal fireplace on the left side of the apartment, a pile of notebooks beside it.
She lights up a ciggarette.
20.
She hangs her diploma above the mantle, then buries it with piles of books.
She lost her job in the library. Again.
She took every book she could carry.
19.
She signs off on the napkin with an "x"
It's not a kiss, it's a mild deathwish.
She gets three calls that night.
Later, she'll find one of her leather skirts draped over wider hips and a smile that never catches her from across the room. Now, though, she has sticky sheets and a half written dissertation.
She hates that her life is a poorly-played Fall Out Boy song.
She sings Sugar to herself in the dorm shower.
18.
She hates Rome. She hates London. She hates New York.
She wakes up that day and has no idea what country she's in.
Oh yeah, she hates Cleveland most of all.
17.
She thinks maybe there's something wrong with being able to say "I'll cut your balls off with a serrated kitchen knife" in four dead languages.
She doesn't hold it against herself, though.
Except when she does. But her fingernails and her safety pins promise not to tell anyone else.
16.
She hasn't stopped crying in 13 days.
She doesn't exactly plan on stopping.
15.
She knows none of them care that she's listening, that she's creeping up behind handrails with notebooks and and pens and filling every blank space with every story the world can tell her when it thinks no ears are pressed to it.
Buffy calls it "an invasion of privacy."
Buffy gets a pillow to the face.
14.
She thinks she might be special.
She thinks it might be in the wrong kind of way.
She thinks superheroes are kind of overrated.
13.
She is. Hmm. She's floaty and free and the worst thing in all the universe.
She's wild.
12.
She isn't.
summary: dawn summmers, a life backwards
No, I’m not ok. But I haven’t been ok
since I was 11, maybe 12. I am still here though.
I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that
will have to be enough for
tenshinrtaiga at this ficathon (go go go!)21.
She tugs on the jean shorts where the pockets are all ripped out and the grey hoodie she stole from FreddieEddieWhatshisname and hangs all her fucks out to dry.
There's an illegal fireplace on the left side of the apartment, a pile of notebooks beside it.
She lights up a ciggarette.
20.
She hangs her diploma above the mantle, then buries it with piles of books.
She lost her job in the library. Again.
She took every book she could carry.
19.
She signs off on the napkin with an "x"
It's not a kiss, it's a mild deathwish.
She gets three calls that night.
Later, she'll find one of her leather skirts draped over wider hips and a smile that never catches her from across the room. Now, though, she has sticky sheets and a half written dissertation.
She hates that her life is a poorly-played Fall Out Boy song.
She sings Sugar to herself in the dorm shower.
18.
She hates Rome. She hates London. She hates New York.
She wakes up that day and has no idea what country she's in.
Oh yeah, she hates Cleveland most of all.
17.
She thinks maybe there's something wrong with being able to say "I'll cut your balls off with a serrated kitchen knife" in four dead languages.
She doesn't hold it against herself, though.
Except when she does. But her fingernails and her safety pins promise not to tell anyone else.
16.
She hasn't stopped crying in 13 days.
She doesn't exactly plan on stopping.
15.
She knows none of them care that she's listening, that she's creeping up behind handrails with notebooks and and pens and filling every blank space with every story the world can tell her when it thinks no ears are pressed to it.
Buffy calls it "an invasion of privacy."
Buffy gets a pillow to the face.
14.
She thinks she might be special.
She thinks it might be in the wrong kind of way.
She thinks superheroes are kind of overrated.
13.
She is. Hmm. She's floaty and free and the worst thing in all the universe.
She's wild.
12.
She isn't.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 08:36 pm (UTC)i criedno subject
Date: 2015-01-03 08:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 08:52 pm (UTC)you are totally entitled to use the stapler on me
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 09:31 pm (UTC)Damn.
Damn.
Double damn.
This is really excellent writing, sweetie. Emotional and gut-punching stuff.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 10:13 pm (UTC)your icon makes me crythank you so much this story was horrible and angsty and full of jagged little things but i'm glad you liked how it came out and the emotion felt genuine okay bye
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2015-01-04 12:55 am (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 09:31 pm (UTC)Gabrielle
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 10:22 pm (UTC)(but of all the things you listed, terrifying is my favourite)
I love you so much thank you so much
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 09:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 10:25 pm (UTC)the surviving part is always the hardest part, and yet, here we all are
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 10:26 pm (UTC)also i totally stole the format of this from a poem i read once where the person wrote their lifestory counting backwards. it was very cool and very sad and this is but a poor imitation of it
also thank you bby
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 09:47 pm (UTC)Fantastic.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 10:28 pm (UTC)I'm really glad you liked this because I write ALL THE WORST THINGS. ALL THE HORRIBLE ANGSTY NASTY THINGS. and bitter!dawnie is my absolute fav forever.
ilu
no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-03 11:17 pm (UTC)i can't tell if it's sadder to read it forward or backwards but whatever, this has been a sad fic. goodbye. *squish*
no subject
Date: 2015-01-04 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-05 08:28 pm (UTC)glad to be of service! any time!
no subject
Date: 2015-01-04 10:30 pm (UTC)FUCK, Lucy.
Just - Holy FUCK, what is this brilliance, even?
no subject
Date: 2015-01-05 08:30 pm (UTC)everybody is crying and i would say i'm sorry but actually this is great and i'm having the best timei'm here to ruin lives, honestlyno subject
Date: 2015-01-06 02:11 am (UTC)You have done well, my child - world domination is at hand. ;)
no subject
Date: 2015-01-05 05:20 am (UTC)and hangs all her fucks out to dry.... a pile of notebooks beside it.... She lights up a cigarette.
This is my favorite Dawn. The Dawn who is kind of a monster but still trying to be a girl and wtf is a Key anyway? And the way this is written - I almost could see her lighting the cigarette with the flames from her notebooks.
Dawn/writing = otp
Dawn/burning-her-writing = OTP FOREVER I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT ME.
She lost her job in the library. Again.
She took every book she could carry.
HELL FUCKING YES. EVERY WORD OF THIS. YES.
YOU TAKE THOSE NARRATIVES THEY FORCE DOWN YOUR THROAT AND YOU SMASH THEM TOGETHER TO MAKE YOUR OWN AND FUCK THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND THAT DEGREE ON YOUR WALL IT'S NOT FOR THEM AND MAYBE NOT FOR YOU BUT IT'S WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT SO YOU'LL JUST STEAL THE REST.
It's not a kiss, it's a mild deathwish.
le petit morte
the little death
and she would know this best of all
spilling that first drop of blood wasn't about him after all
which is worse: that I refused to stretch and make room for you or that I let you maim me and took pleasure in it.
D A W N
She thinks maybe there's something wrong with being able to say "I'll cut your balls off with a serrated kitchen knife" in four dead languages.
EXCEPT THERE'S REALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.
THIS IS LOVELY.
I WANT THIS ON A PILLOW.
that she's creeping up behind handrails with notebooks and and pens and filling every blank space with every story the world can tell her when it thinks no ears are pressed to it
BABY WRITER BABU
Because she was made of stories and there is no such thing as 'privacy' anymore so here's a pillow to the face.
But I haven’t been ok
since I was 11, maybe 12.
She's wild.
12.
She isn't.
This is possibly the most satisfying fucking ending to anything I've read in a very long time. Like I get the feeling from the other comments that this was the 'I'm cry' moment but BRO - this was such a fucking rush. I felt... this ... this felt like that moment when you are at the top of a rollercoaster and for a split second you are weightless and nothing is holding you up or down and you know the plummet is coming but for the moment there's nothing and THAT'S what this fic felt like. It felt like weightlessness and knowing.
How are you even possibly remotely real?
how is Dawn real tho seriously she is so perfno subject
Date: 2015-01-05 09:26 pm (UTC)Dawn/burning-her-writing = OTP FOREVER I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT ME.
BRO. HIGH FIVE.
SO YOU'LL JUST STEAL THE REST
we do what we have to to make it through the day
Because she was made of stories and there is no such thing as 'privacy' anymore so here's a pillow to the face.
honestly, pillow-based vigilantism. it's a thing.
This is possibly the most satisfying fucking ending to anything I've read in a very long time. Like I get the feeling from the other comments that this was the 'I'm cry' moment but BRO - this was such a fucking rush. I felt... this ... this felt like that moment when you are at the top of a rollercoaster and for a split second you are weightless and nothing is holding you up or down and you know the plummet is coming but for the moment there's nothing and THAT'S what this fic felt like. It felt like weightlessness and knowing.
okay so i write everything totally off-the-cuff, honestly, i make it up as i go along which is why i can never stick to anything but whatever that's not important. what's important, is that I KNEW HOW I WAS GONNA END THIS BEFORE I BEGAN. It was gonna end with self-deletion, with dawn knowing exactly what she is and what she's not and if her comfort, her "being okay" is in unreality, then that's what it is.
self-realisation (as i know, as i'm really fucking sick of knowing) comes from a weightless, meaningless place and there's no real control over depression or whatever, there's just understanding and perspective and what you do with it. coping is a thing.
how is Dawn real tho seriously she is so perfmy actual fairytale knight foreverno subject
Date: 2015-01-06 01:19 am (UTC)*swoons*
BRO. HIGH FIVE.
Moar fics about Dawn + Elena / burning their worlds down because fuck all, honestly.
Dawn being 'okay' with unreality is so perfect and sexy.
DAWN'S EXISTENTIALISM IS SEXY OKAY NO APOLOGIES.
my actual fairytale knight forever
THIS IS MY TUMBLR TAG FOR SANSA AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR BEING VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS SUDDEN AND (YET) INEVITABLE PARALLEL.
BLESS.
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 02:17 am (UTC)Nope, no tears on my end - mouth hanging open, mostly. Like, the floor just opened up beneath me.
this felt like that moment when you are at the top of a rollercoaster and for a split second you are weightless and nothing is holding you up or down and you know the plummet is coming but for the moment there's nothing and THAT'S what this fic felt like. It felt like weightlessness and knowing.
Exactly, exactly this.