Fic: Sweetheart, I'm Not Bitter

[clockwork_hart1]

This fic is alternately called I missed Kelsey's birthday because I was at a funeral and everything sucks and I'm not really here I'm trying to get my shit together but here's Dawn/Amy/Clara angst for kwritten because I'm trash

also i may or may not do the whole meme thing from way back when, once I get back on my feet I'm sorry i just can't be around right now

title: sweetheart, i'm not bitter
rating: teen?
summary: There's no coffee left

-sidenote: do NOT read this whilst listening to Panic! At The Disco's She Had The World unless you want to have a total fucking mental breakdown

There's no coffee left, and if you'd told her that a year ago she would have stupid tears dripping along her stupid cheeks because then she'd have to get up and pull on clothes and actually go the fuck outside where all the things that tear her skin off live and wait.

There's not coffee left, and Clara is curled up in the Armchair of Solitude with Giovanni's Room slung over the arm with tear-stained pages, looking up from her tea with a small smile that says my hot leaf-water makes me better than you but I love you anyway and just not understanding that Dawn is shaking or maybe understanding it too well because all the knives have been hidden from the drawers.

There's no coffee left, and Amy is still tangled up in sticky, spider web bedsheets, all cocooned in warmth and promises of bodies, but not before waking to the realisation that she's alone in the bed, the icy blast of fear that she's been left behind and the memories of nightmares that wake them all up in the disaster that is Three-A-freaking-M and school starts at eight and we're all gonna die.

There's no coffee left, and Buffy hasn't called in three days and nothing has ever been scarier than looking down at her empty cup and the hole Amy left in her sweatpants after a tickle-match turned sour and the scabs she pretends she doesn’t leave were uncurtained and no one spoke for three-and-a-half minutes.

There's no coffee left, and there's also no dried blood like sunshine caked under her fingernails, just pale purple nail polish that Clara slathered on messily last week when two bottles of red wine went missing into the night and weren't found until headache groans rang through the apartment the following midday and bacon was fried by a blessed Scottish freak of nature.

There's no coffee left, and if you'd told her that yesterday she wouldn't have cried, but that doesn’t mean today she won't - and it doesn't mean she will, either - as she pulls on the hoodie draped over the plastic kitchen stool and snatches up the keys so she won’t wake up the sleeping dragon by ringing the bell after rescuing the pot of gold from the evil merchant's stronghold.

There's no coffee left, and even when two girls with broken hearts and perfect hair and cracks where the universe swims in their eyes open their arms to tuck her into them, Dawn is still learning how to be awake without it.

Comments

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

Oh my god! Even when you're not here, you are somehow amazingly, splendidly, heartbreakingly, gloriously present. This is magical. Agonizing and magical.


Gabrielle

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

you are my favourite and i love you and thank you so very much darling i'm sorry i'm not around more often of late but i'm still thinking of you

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

I love you too. I miss you and think of you all the time. There is no need to apologize. Just take care and I truly hope that the sun peeks through the clouds soon.


Gabrielle

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

i'm trying to take care of myself, i am, and thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts and god i hope things are better soon.

Just, thanks, for being you

stargirls in sweatpants

[kwritten.livejournal.com]

okay

okay

first

HOW DARE YOU

secondly...

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE EVEN

Three-A-freaking-M
hasn't called in three days
no one spoke for three-and-a-half minutes
LIKE DID YOU NOTICE THE REPEATED 3S?! BECAUSE UGH WITH YOUR REPEATED IMAGERY OF 3S!

two bottles of red wine
two girls with broken hearts
F U C K

And Clara is cocooned and Amy is tangled up and Dawn is standing there over-exposed and left wanting and they try to TUCK HER INTO THEIR ARMS. Like you can even begin to do that.

Listen, okay I am deeply attracted to words. When I think "Hermione Granger" I see the WORD "HERMIONE GRANGER" - not big hair, not buck teeth, not Emma's fab everything - I see the word. And I'm deeply attracted to that word and how that word makes me feel. I am not one of those people who "plays a movie" in their head while reading. Like I just don't do it.

BUT there is something about the imagery you are invoking here - Dawn standing exposed in the kitchen (possibly messy, also possibly sparkling clean because she can't sleep) without any knives or weapons or armor to draw from and across the room/house, possibly with a couch and a rug and a kitchen table and a kitchen island and the universe standing between them, protecting Clara as she COCOOONS herself into her chair and her own way of crying. I SAW IT. I saw Dawn's hair and her elbow and the shift in focus of the lens that passes over space to give us Clara so far away. I saw it.

I never, ever see things like this. I feel them, sure. I see the words and the words are beautiful, absolutely.

Your writing produced an actual IMAGE in my head and idek what to do about that.


Best. Birthday. Present. Ever.



(also email me or something soon kk? because I'm worried about you and sending you all the love/whatever and if you feel comfortable being in my pocket MY PHONE HAS ALL THE IM CAPABILITIES so that's always an option, too. okay? I seriously love you and cherish you and wish there was some way to squish you)

[snogged.livejournal.com]

This was utterly terrific! Well done.

Re: stargirls in sweatpants

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

so it's not at all like i've beenn trying to reply to this for an hour and a half. Because ostensibly, this fic is about me, and it's about coffee and it's about it being okay to not be okay.

But really, it's about THREE people, THREE girls who are in love and how when they separate into 2 and 1 they don't actually separate at all.

BUT there is something about the imagery you are invoking here - Dawn standing exposed in the kitchen (possibly messy, also possibly sparkling clean because she can't sleep) without any knives or weapons or armor to draw from and across the room/house, possibly with a couch and a rug and a kitchen table and a kitchen island and the universe standing between them, protecting Clara as she COCOOONS herself into her chair and her own way of crying. I SAW IT. I saw Dawn's hair and her elbow and the shift in focus of the lens that passes over space to give us Clara so far away. I saw it.

this is everything. i haven't written anything so visceral as since a 3:05 AM poem about pills that was and wasn't true. and Dawn is standing there in my head and Clara is curled up a world and four feet away and the open plan kitchen stretches between them all knifeless and cold and I'm just overwhelmed that you GET IT. That you can see what I'm seeing right there.

((and btw i'll message you when i can get words out of my head and onto a screen or whatever to talk about just everything and nothing because i'm sorry i'm worrying you and i'm kind of worrying myself - but i'm not, i know what's going down and i know who to talk to it's just getting there and stuff - and i seriously adore you too and everything's awful but it's learning not to be. i'll accept all squishes and return them too))

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

thank you so very much sweetie!! ily and thank you lots

Re: stargirls in sweatpants

[kwritten.livejournal.com]

GIRL.

Don't stress yourself out trying to explain or anything like that. The offer is basically just because I can't come over and bake you cookies. Feel free to message me just with BLERGH and I will respond with a pep talk or a winky face or a squish. I'm here for you. *fist pump* Not to pressure you to talk, but to say: even if you don't want to say anything at all, but want to know that someone on the other side of the world is holding your hand.

I'm here. I'm holding your hand. Okay?

Re: stargirls in sweatpants

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

i know

and i think i keep trying to explain it to unlodge the words but i don't have to. and i'll probably pop in to your tumblr every so often to just scream about VM or Dawnie or what the fuck ever when i'm feeling down and we can just make a deal that you can always do the same, kay?

also dude you're holding my hand, gosh you're so gay. do you wanna go for ice cream?

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

First off, YES to everything Kelsey said about the visceral quality of this - I can see every scrap, every crumb, every spent tea leaf and every tear.

And YES to what Gabrielle said - I am so glad you sent me this way because sometimes art is the only way we can communicate, when everything else falls away. But I am worried for you sweetheart because I LOVE YOU and because I know what it's like to struggle so hard to live, to care, to keep going. When you want to speak but can't find the words to explain to anyone else and would they reallly care anyway or would they make it all about THEM?

I've scratched knifeblades against my skin recently to "experiment" and am trying so hard to keep those things at bay. I may not be therefore the best person to be healthy and throw you a rope, but I sure as hell understand.

Keep writing Lucy - keep making pictures (lately I find icons and bannermaking far more visceral than writing but that's just me), whatever you need to do.

Are you living with your parents, friends, somebody? Is there at least one person you can call on the phone at a moment's notice and tell them ANYTHING when things feel worst. Do you call that person? (I have one such person - there are a couple of people here I can tell anything but sometimes I need the sound of another voice. Again that might be me YMMV)

How can I help, sweetheart?

[waddiwasiwitch.livejournal.com]

Oh this is just beautiful and tragic!! You and your words... You break me. Oh your writing is always so visceral and gorgeous.

All three voices are so distinct and raw. Loving this pairing.

Sorry to hear RL is still tough. Take care of yourself as best you can and remember we're all thinking of you. *hugs*

Re: stargirls in sweatpants

[kwritten.livejournal.com]

gosh I'm ridiculously gay, and i'm so in for ice cream

[katleept.livejournal.com]

So sorry for your loss, my dear.

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

This took me forever and a day to reply to, and I'm sorry, but things have been a little hectic. This fic was total therapy (speaking of, I'm going back, which is good) but I'm getting better again, I think.

I just needed a restbreak from life for a bit, after the world fell in.

Mostly I've been distracting myself by writing poetry and making playlists (just finished a fanmix for this 'verse, which I'm super happy with), and thank you forever for offering your support. It means everything. But I'll be okay, as I can be. I'm staying with family and my best friend is my first port of call when I scare myself, and she gets me back to myself.

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, sweetie!!

Glad I could convert you to this - it's my secret plan, to have everyone shipping polyamorous femslash pairings and corrupt fandom forever *evil laugh, insert here*

And thank you! Things are getting better, I think. I hope. Your support means a lot *squish*

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

Thank you, it means a lot *squish*

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

That's so super important that you have people to turn to - really THE most important thing and I'm so glad to know that. I've been blessed similarly with friends who have gotten me through the last two years and I can't imagine life without them.

I've missed you very much, but whenever you're ready, there's no rush.

I don't know if you heard about pickamix's passing on December 4th? I remember conversing with her on some of your posts. Apparently the end came quite suddenly. Her friend Lenore is continuing her journal at her request; and ficamix comm has become a memorial site for her:
http://ficamix.livejournal.com

Velvetwhip and angelus2hot have set up a virtual memorial post for her there:
http://ficamix.livejournal.com/6856.html

I've cried every day since I got the news. It hit me harder than expected.

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

I miss you too, of course I do. You've been one of the most instrumentally supportive people in my life in the last year or so, online or otherwise. I'm not sure I'm "here" yet, but when I am you'll be the first to know. I miss our chats (speaking of, is that a Fred icon I spy?)

Gabrielle emailed me a few days ago and let me know and I was really shaken by the news. I didn't think I could lose anybody else and lj has been a safespace for me so it hit me very hard. I haven't looked at the comm yet (not sure if I'm up to it quite so soon), but the idea is lovely and just shows how wonderful and caring our community is on here. I'm going to miss her dearly.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

First things first - is that star girls in sweatpants icon new? It's utterly GORGEOUS, honey - I'm absolutely flailing. Your artwork, like your writing, has such a particular style a balance of grittiness and delicacy but this one falls more on the delicate side. But not insipid. It's luminous.

And yes that is a Fred icon - by pickax/Megan as a matter of fact. It was my Banner Maker's Choice for round 33 of Slayerstillness; other people used that image but I fell in love with Megan's version immediately. It is, to my eyes, perfect in every way.

I'm glad Gabrielle was the one to let you know, bless her. She's been a godsend to me this past month (and this past year.) I'm working in a nursing home part time now, and driving again, so I've had some good things happen lately; but I've been preparing myself for walking into work and finding out a resident I've come to care about is gone. I did not expect to come home from work and get this bit of news. It really threw me, although if I'd paid more attention it might not have.

Come to the comm when you're ready. All of us have also done memorial posts on our person journals. the community has come together in a really beautiful way to honor Megan. I hope to get to know her friend Lenore; she has two disabled children and has taken custody of Megan's daughter Azlynn. she sounds like an awesome woman.

I miss Megan too, so much it's crazy.

[clockwork-hart1.livejournal.com]

Yes! New icon actually made as a cover for the fanmix (which is here btw) mostly because it looked pretty more than having any significant meaning. But I kind of love it. So thank you for boosting my ego on that point.

And the Fred icon is beautiful. I loved Megan's art (and she liked Fred in a way few other people - besides me - do), so obviously you were in good hands with it.

I'm also so very thankful for Gabrielle recently. She's a beacon of light, she really is. And she wanted to make sure it wasn't a shock when I logged back on, bless her heart. And I'm just so utterly sad that I stayed away so long, that I never got another conversation or even passing comment with Megan. I know I was getting a hold of my mental health, but you still wonder, don't you?

Lenore sounds like a wonderful human being. I wish her all the luck and love in the world. I'm not sure there's much else I can say.